The picture above is of three of my
most favorite people, 2 are gone. My gram died at 93 of natural
causes. My son died at 31 and there was nothing natural about it.
I gave my sons phone away this week to
someone who really needed it. It seems like an easy enough thing to
do but I cried for hours after. I saved the last text message I had
from him which said "I love you too", that was 5 days
before he put a gun to his head and pulled the trigger. That was 5
months ago.
I still wonder what would have happened
if I had gotten to his house 5 hours earlier than I did, what if I
would have begged him to please hold on just one more day. No matter
what I did or said for many years I could not take his pain away.
Believe me, I tried. Do I find comfort in knowing that he is free of
pain, yes. Would I rather have him still in pain but here with me
instead, yes. Do I feel that is selfish of me, yes. Many suicidal
people believe that the world would be a better place without them.
Is it? No! Mental illness is a terminal disease and it should be
treated that way.
Suicide is among the 10 leading causes
of death in the United States, approximately 44,000 a year. There were 23,000 documented suicides by May 1st this year in our country (I suck
at math but it's easy to see that we were already over half way to the
average for the year and we weren't even half way through the year
yet). Suicide is on the leading causes of death list with cancer and
heart disease. The most common cause of suicide is depression.
Depression is a cancer for those who have it, it eats them from
within. Depression is a heart disease for those that suffer from it
because many of them have a broken heart. We live in Maine, a state
with a higher than national average of suicides, the stats say that
someone dies by suicide in our country every 16 minutes. Someone dies
in Maine by suicide every 37 hours. But the average wait to get
someone into counseling or some type of crisis program is 3 weeks.
That is too fucking long people! When someone is desperate enough to
swallow a bottle of pills, throw a rope around a beam, or slice their
wrists open with a paring knife they probably have less than 3
minutes to wait NOT 3 weeks! Before you get done reading this it is
likely we lost another beautiful soul to suicide.
Mental health issues are often
misunderstood. Society tells these people that they need to "suck
it up", "get motivated", "just be happy".
They can't. My child starting showing signs of depression when he was
in his teens. He started drinking to self medicate. The onset of
depression and the issues that came along with it led to behaviors
that were uncharacteristic of him. His depression led him to at times
be a real asshole to those close to him and push them away. He lost
friends. He lost jobs. He lost his license. He just kept losing and
losing and losing. He would have periods when he was doing well,
sometimes long stretches, but than his illness would take
over and down the rabbit hole he went.
We spent hours at counselors, nights in
the emergency room, sometimes we would just sit together and wait for
the darkness to fade and he would cry. Once when he was 18 and having
an "episode", I was desperate, I called 911. Two state
troopers came to our home. What I wanted from them was help getting
him someplace that he could get "better". What I got was a
big dose of reality. They told me "He is 18 and unless he is
actively threatening to hurt himself or others than there is nothing
we can do". At that point he was pissed at me for calling the
police, he slung a backpack over his shoulder and left. He couch
surfed for the next 6 months. I layed awake every night worrying and
wondering where he was.
I still lay awake at night sometimes
even now but not because I am worried about him or wonder where he. I
know where he is. He is sitting on my mantle in a marble box.
Obviously I know that the box simply holds his body's ashes. I
know that his light and energy are everywhere. What I don't know is
how do we prevent this from happening to others in the future. To
your child, to your brother, to your friend.
Many would answer "medication".
Well guys and girls, several of the current medications that are
prescribed for people suffering from depression list side effects
like insomnia, fatigue, agitation, irritability, anxiety, and here's
the kicker......SUICIDAL TENDENCIES. WAIT! WHAAAAT??!! Okay, so medical
professionals are giving patients who have depression medications that can induce many of the issues that they are already suffering
from and could possibly be the pre-cursor to suicide. Again, WHAAAAT??!! I also mentioned "self-medicating" earlier, I truly feel that many deaths by "accidental overdose" should be actually classified as death by mental illness. Most people that end up addicted to substances started using those things to numb themselves from pain. Physical and mental.
I don't know if I am hyper sensitive to
the word suicide now but it seems like I hear of a new
one every day. I do know that depression does not discriminate.
Rich, poor, old, young, man, woman, famous, unknown, it doesn't
matter. Depression doesn't care, it will take you any way you are and
break you into a million pieces leaving those who love you scampering
around to find those pieces and constantly super glue them back
together again.
So this is my plea, if you or
someone you know (In my head I am saying this in Morgan Freeman's
voice) are suffering from depression SHOUT IT OUT! Depression and
mental illness are REAL and can result in death. Mental health
issues are not something to be swept under the rug or whispered about
in the corner. Do I know the miracle cure for depression? No. But I do know that for many being active helps, eating healthy, sleeping regularly, being involved with community and family are all helps. I think one of the best things we can do for ourselves or our loved ones who suffer with mental illness is to get rid of the stigmas that surround it. There should be no feelings of embarrassment or
shame, if you had cancer or another terminal illness would you be
embarrassed?? Hell no! You would fight to stay alive. As a matter of fact there would probably be a
Go Fund Me account being set up for you as I type! If your family
members, loved ones or friends show signs of depression do not ignore
it, do not think that it will go away on its own, do not think that
because someone who has suffered with depression and is suddenly "happy"
that they are "cured". My son seemed happier in the last
months leading up to his death than he had been in the past few
years. Looking back now, we thought things were getting better and THAT was the BIGGEST misconception of all. He was happy because he had made
peace with his decision and had a plan. He was suffering in silence
like many people who have mental health issues do. Do not be silent.
Silence kills.
