Happy New Year?

I would love to say that I am looking forward to 2018. Maybe if my son were here to turn 32 on February 10th 2018 or maybe if February 28th 2018 was not the year anniversary of the day I found him unresponsive, cold, gone. Maybe then I might be thinking of great things that could happen this year instead of wishing that I could rewind time. Thinking of what February will be like this year for me is terrifying.

If wishes came true and I could jump back to February 10th 1986, the first day I saw his wrinkly little face, the first time I looked into his beautiful blues eyes, the first time I realized what true love was, would things have been different? Would this year be a Happy New Year?

If wishes came true and I could jump back to February 28th 2017 minutes before he decided that he could not take his pain anymore and I got to his house in time, would things have been different? Would this be a Happy New Year?

When thinking about making wishes and all of the crazy things we as humans wish on I made a list of every one I could remember.....

Fallen eyelashes, shooting stars, 1st stars, wishbones, wishing wells, fountains, birthday candles, old dandelions, and the newest addition 11:11.  I have tried all of these, none have worked so far. I will keep trying, but my wish is a pretty tough one to grant. OOOOh, GRANT!! I forgot about "granting" wishes, I forgot about a Genie! Where's Alladin when you need him?!

FUCK! Thinking of Aladdin made me think about that big fat blue Disney Genie, which in turn made me think of the actor that gave him a voice, and of course that voice was non other than the voice of Robin Williams who tragically committed suicide in 2014 after suffering for years with...Dun Dun Dunnnn.....DEPRESSION!  And that brought me back to why I started writing this in the first place. UGH, FUCK DEPRESSION! This is the worst time of year for most of those who suffer with it.  Take a minute to check in with your friends and loved ones that might need a simple "Hello, how are you" Sounds like a menial thing to do but this actually could save a life.

Tonight being New Years Eve wishes are usually traded in for resolutions, they really don't seem extremely different from each other. A Wish is defined as"A desire or hope for something to or not to happen." A Resolution is defined as "A firm decision to do or not to do something."

A resolution is a wish that you make come true!

Fun Fact about New Years Resolutions, 22% fail after one week, 40% after one month, 50% after three months, 60% after six months, and 81% after twelve months.  The odds are stacked against us my friends! But as I have said before all we can do is try and if we fail we try again.  My resolution this year will be that I  take a minute everyday in 2018 to close my eyes, take a breath and think of a happy moment I spent with my son and everyday that I do this I will try to preform a "good" deed for another person in his honor.  I am more than 81% sure that I can keep this resolution!

So think about those resolutions folks and make 'em good, make 'em firm! Prove those statistics wrong, don't give up on your wishes, don't give up on human kindness and most important never ever give up on yourself!  XOXO

The Grief that stole Christmas

"You're a mean one, Mr. Grief,
You're a monster, a horror, a troll.
Your brain is full of spiders, you have garlic in your soul, MR. Grieeeeeee...EEF, YOU SUCK!"
                                                           
Here's to the holidays....this one should come with a warning... "WARNING"... I'M SUPER SAD AND SUPER PISSED, BUT I DON'T WANT TO UPSET ANY OF YOU SO PLEASE READ WITH CAUTION"


~"Hey, Thanksgiving, "How you doin?" (Joey quote, "FRIENDS" forever!)

~"Well, I'm doing my very best to remind you that your first born kid isn't here this year, because, he's dead." 

That about sums up Thanksgiving 2017.~


WOW! Okay, so I wrote all the above a week before Thanksgiving. Thanksgiving was my sons ultimate favorite holiday. I so badly wanted to skip it, so, so, sooooooooooo badly. But when I sat on the couch with my daughter one night and suggested that we go to some swanky restaurant in Portland for dinner instead of the usual get together at our house, she turned her head slowly towards me with a look on her face as if I had just told her that we were moving to Antarctica and said "WHAT?!"  I was literally snapped back into reality. The reality of "One chair is empty, the others are filled....one chair is empty, the others are filled....." Breathe, pause and repeat over and over until you believe it, because it is true.

My husband and I ended up at Wal-Hell around 10:30pm on Thanksgiving Eve to shop for essentials (meaning EVERYTHING including a still partially frozen turkey! HA!)  Joining us for Turkey Day were... my parents, Dawson's parents, and a sweet little ex Jehovah witness whose family has shunned him. All I have to say to those people is, "YOU HAVE A SON, A REAL, LIVING, BREATHING, SON. A KIND-HEARTED, SMART, HARD WORKING SON AND YOU THREW HIM AWAY, ARE YOU FUCKING INSANE???" BUT, their loss is my luck, I get to see their"dis-fellow-shipped" son almost everyday and everyday he makes me laugh, and sometimes he's a brat but I laugh at that too. He reminds me of someone else I knew.

So all and all, Thanksgiving was fun, everyone was happy, we made it through and it's done.

And now on to Christmas.......

I knew that the totes filled with Christmas past would most likely not be opened this year. Even trying to briefly look for a wreath hanger in one of them that held nothing more than table cloths and miscellaneous items caused me such dispair that I had to just walk away.

Oddly, I got our tree up earlier than usual. Our tree has always been decorated with everything that the kids have made, were given, or picked out.  Due to the mentally inaccessible boxes of our normal Christmas decor,  I told my husband that he could pick out new lights and a topper for this year's tree.


     This is what we got.....

      We call her 'Merica!

My husband looked totally perplexed at the idea that my daughter and I were almost out of our seats laughing at his purchase. He truly thought it was a site of beauty.  It was a much welcomed comic relief.  Comedy is almost always a relief! Sorry honey, we were laughing at you not with you, BUT, we still love you.

This Christmas will obviously be different, not just for me but for many who will be celebrating the first year without someone that they loved with all their heart. A person who they literally would have done anything for and would give anything to hold right now. We did not expect these people to be gone. But they are and we have to keep trudging on!

So together let's vow not to let "Mr. Grief",
steal all of our Christmases,
not even a wreath! ("winks" at Dr. Seus)

I'm sure even the Grinch would agree.....

Welcome Christmas. Bring in your cheer,
Cheer to all those, far and near.
Christmas Day is in our grasp
So long as we have hands to clasp.
Christmas Day will always be
Just as long as we have we.
Welcome Christmas while we stand
Heart to heart and hand in hand.
  
~ Dr. Seus, "The Grinch that stole Christmas"

                         

~ Merry Christmas Friends and Family! I love you all!~ 

“Good Grief Charlie Brown” is obviously an oxymoron

It has come to my attention that no grief is “good” grief! 8 months of this crap is 8 months too long.

Some days my grief is like a mosquito, I have to swat it here and there to keep it at bay. But, once in a while it is literally a mother fucking vampire that completely drains me of every ounce of strength I have. That was yesterday.

Yesterday was my birthday, I didn't think much about it, I wasn't worried about my wrinkles or gray hair, to be honest I don't really care that I am almost a half century old, but I woke up yesterday morning and was greeted by a big grief punch in the face.

Since my son died in February I have joined a club that no one wants to be part of. Let's call it the grief club and the grief club sucks.

Halloween has forever been my favorite holiday. I freakin' love pumpkins, candy, costumes, black cats (please husband can I have another?) but this year Halloween feels like it needs to be skipped, and Thanksgiving and Christmas and fuck you Happy New Year please just let us fast forward to probably like April because I can't even imagine what my mental state of mind will be in February. It will probably take all 31 days of March to recover from that forever fucked month!

In the past 8 months I have seen others suffer from loss, loss of a child, loss of a parent, loss of a sibling, loss of a spouse..... so much loss, so much sadness, so much regret (that stupid human emotion regret, ugh, I hate you regret!)

In some instances the saying “Misery loves company” is true but in these cases I do not love seeing others in misery. I do not wish anyone to feel the way I feel. It is not fair nor just or warranted.

But I can say that social media, which in some cases seems to be the downfall to human communication actually made yesterday better. Almost 200 people took a minute to say “Hey Kel, we know something totally horrible happened to you, we care about you and want you to be okay” Um, hello social media, thank you! And thank you to all of you, you are all important, you are all relevant, you are all part of the light that shines in times of darkness. Keep being kind, keep being constant, keep being available. You never know when you will need a hand but when you do, I will have a hand for you.

Mental Illness is a Terminal Disease

The picture above is of three of my most favorite people, 2 are gone. My gram died at 93 of natural causes. My son died at 31 and there was nothing natural about it.

I gave my sons phone away this week to someone who really needed it. It seems like an easy enough thing to do but I cried for hours after. I saved the last text message I had from him which said "I love you too", that was 5 days before he put a gun to his head and pulled the trigger. That was 5 months ago. 

I still wonder what would have happened if I had gotten to his house 5 hours earlier than I did, what if I would have begged him to please hold on just one more day. No matter what I did or said for many years I could not take his pain away. Believe me, I tried. Do I find comfort in knowing that he is free of pain, yes. Would I rather have him still in pain but here with me instead, yes. Do I feel that is selfish of me, yes. Many suicidal people believe that the world would be a better place without them. Is it? No! Mental illness is a terminal disease and it should be treated that way.

Suicide is among the 10 leading causes of death in the United States, approximately 44,000 a year. There were 23,000 documented suicides by May 1st this year in our country (I suck at math but it's easy to see that we were already over half way to the average for the year and we weren't even half way through the year yet). Suicide is on the leading causes of death list with cancer and heart disease. The most common cause of suicide is depression. Depression is a cancer for those who have it, it eats them from within. Depression is a heart disease for those that suffer from it because many of them have a broken heart. We live in Maine, a state with a higher than national average of suicides, the stats say that someone dies by suicide in our country every 16 minutes. Someone dies in Maine by suicide every 37 hours. But the average wait to get someone into counseling or some type of crisis program is 3 weeks. That is too fucking long people! When someone is desperate enough to swallow a bottle of pills, throw a rope around a beam, or slice their wrists open with a paring knife they probably have less than 3 minutes to wait NOT 3 weeks! Before you get done reading this it is likely we lost another beautiful soul to suicide.

Mental health issues are often misunderstood. Society tells these people that they need to "suck it up", "get motivated", "just be happy". They can't. My child starting showing signs of depression when he was in his teens. He started drinking to self medicate. The onset of depression and the issues that came along with it led to behaviors that were uncharacteristic of him. His depression led him to at times be a real asshole to those close to him and push them away. He lost friends. He lost jobs. He lost his license. He just kept losing and losing and losing.   He would have periods when he was doing well, sometimes long stretches, but than his illness would take over and down the rabbit hole he went.

We spent hours at counselors, nights in the emergency room, sometimes we would just sit together and wait for the darkness to fade and he would cry. Once when he was 18 and having an "episode", I was desperate, I called 911. Two state troopers came to our home. What I wanted from them was help getting him someplace that he could get "better". What I got was a big dose of reality. They told me "He is 18 and unless he is actively threatening to hurt himself or others than there is nothing we can do". At that point he was pissed at me for calling the police, he slung a backpack over his shoulder and left. He couch surfed for the next 6 months. I layed awake every night worrying and wondering where he was.

I still lay awake at night sometimes even now but not because I am worried about him or wonder where he. I know where he is. He is sitting on my mantle in a marble box. Obviously I know that the box simply holds his body's ashes. I know that his light and energy are everywhere. What I don't know is how do we prevent this from happening to others in the future. To your child, to your brother, to your friend.

Many would answer "medication". Well guys and girls, several of the current medications that are prescribed for people suffering from depression list side effects like insomnia, fatigue, agitation, irritability, anxiety, and here's the kicker......SUICIDAL TENDENCIES. WAIT! WHAAAAT??!! Okay, so medical professionals are giving patients who have depression medications that can induce many of the issues that they are already suffering from and could possibly be the pre-cursor to suicide. Again, WHAAAAT??!!  I also mentioned "self-medicating" earlier, I truly feel that many deaths by "accidental overdose" should be actually classified as death by mental illness. Most people that end up addicted to substances started using those things to numb themselves from pain. Physical and mental.  

I don't know if I am hyper sensitive to the word suicide now but it seems like I hear of a new one every day.   I do know that depression does not discriminate. Rich, poor, old, young, man, woman, famous, unknown, it doesn't matter. Depression doesn't care, it will take you any way you are and break you into a million pieces leaving those who love you scampering around to find those pieces and constantly super glue them back together again. 

So this is my plea, if you or someone you know (In my head I am saying this in Morgan Freeman's voice) are suffering from depression SHOUT IT OUT! Depression and mental illness are REAL and can result in death. Mental health issues are not something to be swept under the rug or whispered about in the corner. Do I know the miracle cure for depression? No. But I do know that for many being active helps, eating healthy, sleeping regularly, being involved with community and family are all helps.  I think one of the best things we can do for ourselves or our loved ones who suffer with mental illness is to get rid of the stigmas that surround it.  There should be no feelings of embarrassment or shame, if you had cancer or another terminal illness would you be embarrassed?? Hell no! You would fight to stay alive. As a matter of fact there would probably be a Go Fund Me account being set up for you as I type! If your family members, loved ones or friends show signs of depression do not ignore it, do not think that it will go away on its own, do not think that because someone who has suffered with depression and is suddenly "happy" that they are "cured". My son seemed happier in the last months leading up to his death than he had been in the past few years.  Looking back now, we thought things were getting better and THAT was the BIGGEST misconception of all.  He was happy because he had made peace with his decision and had a plan. He was suffering in silence like many people who have mental health issues do. Do not be silent. Silence kills.  

Happy Mother's Day Love The BRM

Within days of my sons passing I literally sat up in bed in the middle of the night with a feeling of terror.... HOLIDAYS! I gently poked my husband and whispered "What about holidays" His groggy reply was; "Kel, we will do whatever you want to do" and I found that comforting enough to catch my breath and try to sleep.  You do not understand the need to feel "in control" until everything seems out of yours.

Holidays, whether they entail a barbecue and sparklers or a tree and gifts are something that will always be different now. The first holiday came too soon after my son was gone. Easter. At that point in this journey my thought towards fuzzy bunnies, cute little chicks, painted eggs and ham was~ "Fuck you fuzzy bunnies, cute little chicks, painted eggs and ham. FUCK YOU!"  My son loved Easter candy, even those chemically produced yucky marshmallow pillows of gunk called Peeps, those fake yolk sticky sweet chocolate Cadbury eggs, those brightly colored sugar beans passed off as "bunny poop".  He loved ham too and I hated Easter this year.

Then came Mother's Day. I started fretting about Mothers Day weeks before it even happened. How odd it is to dread a day that literally celebrates life. Without Mother's the human race would become extinct. I have a mother, a mother in law and a step mother in law. I am a mother and have a beautiful child still here with me. But thoughts of the child that is not here far over shadowed everything else.

As the day grew closer I grew more anxious, should we just skip it and go on like it is just another day? Is that fair to our mothers? Is that fair to my daughter? You all know that if you want to go out to dinner on Mother's Day all restaurants are booked weeks in advance. I still wasn't even thinking hours in advance at that time so needless to say booking 5 star dinner reservations didn't happen. But a few things did happen that made Mothers Day something other than a day of dread.

A couple days before that Sunday, one of my sons closest friends came into my house; shaky, teary and with something to show me.  While walking in one her favorite spots she came across some graffiti. She herself had painted a flower and peace sign in this spot years ago but what was there now gave me a priceless gift.  A huge Happy Mothers Day tagged by my son.   I was speechless, overwhelmed, in awe.  This discovery made me realize that people who have passed on are never truly gone, there are signs everywhere. Sometimes literal signs!

Then came Sunday, I had found a tiny country place that would take reservations for all of us that afternoon but I still hadn't purchased a gift nor even a card for "the mothers". Not a big surprise as some days I was actually proud of myself for just brushing my teeth let alone leaving the house. Sad, but true.

So off to the store I went, (brushed teeth and all).  I quickly found thoughtful gifts and as I pulled out of the parking lot I saw an older gentleman. He was obviously homeless, it was raining, cold and he outwardly looked the way I felt on the inside. Deflated. I drove down the road and was almost on the highway when I turned back.  His name was Paulie.

I picked Paulie up and took him to the grocery store, in the few minutes that we were together he told me a lot about himself and asked me many questions. The most important to him seemed to be "Why did you pick me up"? I explained, "Well you looked cold and sad and it's Mothers Day and my son recently died so I am feeling a little cold and sad too".  We both cried.  After he made his purchases in the store and a quick drive thru for coffee, I dropped him off.  As I drove away I thought about him being someone's son. I hoped that my son felt compassion from strangers at times during his short life and maybe my small act of kindness gave Paulie comfort if only for a day.

At 3 o'clock we all headed to our special Mother's Day buffet which turned out to be an odd assortment of foods that did not seem to compliment each other, dirty utensils and a 30 minute wait for drinks. Everyone found this pretty humorous which was great because as it turns out laughter really IS the best medicine!

As the day came to a close my daughter posted my last Mother's Day miracle.....

"From petting cheetahs and traveling the world together to the more simple things like late night movies and lunch dates, I know I have a forever best friend in you. Happy Mother's Day to the most strong and beautiful woman I will ever know"💜💜💜




This post changed my perspective of the year's pending holidays from feeling the pain of the ominous empty chair at our table to realizing that the other chairs will still be filled with love.

"13 reasons why", Suicide, "The face", fear and everything else.....

My son was 31 when he left, he had suffered through some illness in the past 10+ years both physically and mentally. Sadly these things combined with life's daily struggles led him to make the decision to end his life. I feel like the spirit does live on after physical death and I like to think he can hear me when I talk to him but there isn't much I wouldn't give to be able to hug him one more time.

There has been so much controversy over the series "13 reasons why". It came out within weeks of my sons death, I watched it. My daughter watched it. We talked about it together, we talked about it with friends. It didn't focus just on suicide it touched on some pretty real and serious issues for young adults.  Drug and alcohol use, peer pressure, bullying, date rape, homosexuality, mental illness, abuse, neglect, self esteem and so much more.  I feel that it opens the door for parents to start important conversations with their children.

I didn't feel like it glamorized or romanticized the main character's suicide.  Suicide is not glamorous or romantic. I saw it first hand and for me it was dark, horrifying, lonely, sad and final.

The series actually helped put some things about suicide into perspective for me.  There was nothing in particular that I solely did or did not do or anything in particular that anyone else solely did or did not do to directly cause my son to end his life. He didn't list 13 specific reasons why he did it but I know that it was an accumulation of many things over many years packaged into his body and mind and that package became just too heavy for him to carry.  Am I saying "Hey everyone when life gets too hard just kill yourself" of course not. My life has not always been easy, your life has not always been easy and we are still here. But it did help me take a step towards not blaming myself for my sons death and neither should any of you.

When someone chooses to end their life abruptly it leaves their survivors with so many questions that at times can  make us feel literally emotionally paralyzed. My son left no note, no tapes, no tangible answers to our questions in the physical world but I did find some solace where some people might not look for it. I saw a medium, I spoke to Corey and like the tapes in "13 reasons why" I came away with a cd of his revelations but instead of the guilt bestowed on the characters in that story I was lifted of my feelings of guilt, I was given a small amount of closure plus a surprise feeling of forgiveness towards a couple people for certain things in the past that I hadn't been able to obtain on my own. I know some of you may think that mediums are hocus pocus but for me it was true and real.

So now on to "the face". I have explained to some in great detail what "the face" is. "The face" is something that I have had to become familiar with over the past few months after losing my son.

The "face" I speak of is one of complete compassion and helplessness that you find in the expression of the people that care about you. They see you for the first time after the worst day of your life and your pain is their pain.  The "face" is not meant to hurt you or make you feel sad it is telling you that you are loved and that the people that love you want to heal your pain but they have no idea how to do that. How can they, what could anyone do to fix you after you have suffered a loss that is unimaginable to most.

I have sometimes avoided many public places and situations for the past few months for fear of seeing this face. It made me question why does "the face" give me such a strong internal reaction? After some inner soul searching I realized that ....

#1 I am someone that does not like to see anyone sad or hurt and when people look at me with such sadness I in turn feel badly that they are sad for me, when actually I should embrace how lucky I am to have so many wonderful caring people in my life.

#2 "The face" makes what happened real and at times that is just too damn hard to deal with. But it is real and it did happen and we are still here and we have to deal with it.  Death sometimes heals the suffering but wounds the living.

Which leads me to "Fear, and Everything Else".

First and foremost I want to tell everyone that has reached out to me, thought about me, cried for me, carried me, cooked for me, cleaned for me, breathed for me, shown up for me; a million times thank you. You took over for me at times when I was unable to do those things for myself.

I also want to apologize for the times that many of you may have tried to call, text, or message me and have not gotten a timely response. I know that it might be a little frustrating, but it is not because I do not appreciate you, love you, or want you, it is because at times I can respond and at times I can't. But I truly have been blessed to have you continue to try to reach out to me because some of those times are when I really needed you most. You have all stood beside me, behind me and in front of me and I am forever grateful. My lack of accepting generous offers of attending events or spending time with you is not because I do not want to it is caused by FEAR!

Fear of being somewhere and seeing people who don't really know me but know what happened and them looking upon me as "the mom whose kid killed himself"

Fear of seeing people who DO know me and me trying to be "normal" around them which is sometimes easy but other times actually hard which in turn makes me internally ask myself "am I being normal". I have literally at times asked friends that I am with "Do I seem normal" which that in turn makes me feel CRAZY! And then I think they will think I am crazy and around and around we all go back on the emotional roller coaster in my head.

I have a fear of actually letting down my guard and "being normal".  Being comfortable and relaxed around others and having a good time. Yes I have found that this IS possible! And enjoyable!  But sometimes, "BAM" a grief tornado pops up out of no where and I worry that it will suck me right in.  I have realized that when this happens that I can't focus on or enjoy what is going on around me and I am suddenly just trapped in silence. Talk about being a buzz kill when others are trying to have a good time.

Then there is fear of meeting new people and having them ask me personal questions like the dreaded "Do you have any children". I changed opticians recently because I wanted to go somewhere no one knew me but on my way there I am pre-thinking about responses to this question, should I just say "Yes, I have an amazing daughter"  and leave out my son, because on the surface it is an easier truth than explaining the recent events but then if I do answer in that manner will it make me feel that by not acknowledging that I had two children and I lost one along the way that some how I am not honoring my sons memory.  BUT if I do say "Yes, I have a daughter and I had a son but he died" then back to the immediate fear of "THE FACE"! I believe this will get easier at some point, at least I really hope it does.

I have fear of having people try to comfort me with the words "They are in a better place" or "Time heals all wounds", etc. These things are all said with good intentions, these are normal human things to say, I have said these things to others in their times of sadness and meant them.  There is no wrong or right thing to say to someone that has experienced what we have but some days I find comfort in those words because they come from a place of kindness and other days I find that the right words might actually just be "That fucking sucks, I'm sorry that happened to you" or "I wish I could change it for you but I obviously can't and that fucking sucks too!"

And due to that last fear,  I oddly I have the fear of people "fearing" me because they don't know how I will react to them or things that may come up when I am with them. Or them somehow worrying that I am not the same person I was before.  I don't want anyone to feel uncomfortable around me or scared to say or do the wrong things. I am the same person I was before, just a little sad and a little broken at times but still the same person. So don't worry about me, just be normal, normal is good.

In the past I have thought that jealousy was the worst emotion that we could have, but along the line I added regret to the list and now I've added fear.  We are all human, no one is perfect.  I do not think it is possible to live never being jealous, never having regrets or fears. But we can all just try to be our best and fail and try again.