Happy New Year?

I would love to say that I am looking forward to 2018. Maybe if my son were here to turn 32 on February 10th 2018 or maybe if February 28th 2018 was not the year anniversary of the day I found him unresponsive, cold, gone. Maybe then I might be thinking of great things that could happen this year instead of wishing that I could rewind time. Thinking of what February will be like this year for me is terrifying.

If wishes came true and I could jump back to February 10th 1986, the first day I saw his wrinkly little face, the first time I looked into his beautiful blues eyes, the first time I realized what true love was, would things have been different? Would this year be a Happy New Year?

If wishes came true and I could jump back to February 28th 2017 minutes before he decided that he could not take his pain anymore and I got to his house in time, would things have been different? Would this be a Happy New Year?

When thinking about making wishes and all of the crazy things we as humans wish on I made a list of every one I could remember.....

Fallen eyelashes, shooting stars, 1st stars, wishbones, wishing wells, fountains, birthday candles, old dandelions, and the newest addition 11:11.  I have tried all of these, none have worked so far. I will keep trying, but my wish is a pretty tough one to grant. OOOOh, GRANT!! I forgot about "granting" wishes, I forgot about a Genie! Where's Alladin when you need him?!

FUCK! Thinking of Aladdin made me think about that big fat blue Disney Genie, which in turn made me think of the actor that gave him a voice, and of course that voice was non other than the voice of Robin Williams who tragically committed suicide in 2014 after suffering for years with...Dun Dun Dunnnn.....DEPRESSION!  And that brought me back to why I started writing this in the first place. UGH, FUCK DEPRESSION! This is the worst time of year for most of those who suffer with it.  Take a minute to check in with your friends and loved ones that might need a simple "Hello, how are you" Sounds like a menial thing to do but this actually could save a life.

Tonight being New Years Eve wishes are usually traded in for resolutions, they really don't seem extremely different from each other. A Wish is defined as"A desire or hope for something to or not to happen." A Resolution is defined as "A firm decision to do or not to do something."

A resolution is a wish that you make come true!

Fun Fact about New Years Resolutions, 22% fail after one week, 40% after one month, 50% after three months, 60% after six months, and 81% after twelve months.  The odds are stacked against us my friends! But as I have said before all we can do is try and if we fail we try again.  My resolution this year will be that I  take a minute everyday in 2018 to close my eyes, take a breath and think of a happy moment I spent with my son and everyday that I do this I will try to preform a "good" deed for another person in his honor.  I am more than 81% sure that I can keep this resolution!

So think about those resolutions folks and make 'em good, make 'em firm! Prove those statistics wrong, don't give up on your wishes, don't give up on human kindness and most important never ever give up on yourself!  XOXO

The Grief that stole Christmas

"You're a mean one, Mr. Grief,
You're a monster, a horror, a troll.
Your brain is full of spiders, you have garlic in your soul, MR. Grieeeeeee...EEF, YOU SUCK!"
                                                           
Here's to the holidays....this one should come with a warning... "WARNING"... I'M SUPER SAD AND SUPER PISSED, BUT I DON'T WANT TO UPSET ANY OF YOU SO PLEASE READ WITH CAUTION"


~"Hey, Thanksgiving, "How you doin?" (Joey quote, "FRIENDS" forever!)

~"Well, I'm doing my very best to remind you that your first born kid isn't here this year, because, he's dead." 

That about sums up Thanksgiving 2017.~


WOW! Okay, so I wrote all the above a week before Thanksgiving. Thanksgiving was my sons ultimate favorite holiday. I so badly wanted to skip it, so, so, sooooooooooo badly. But when I sat on the couch with my daughter one night and suggested that we go to some swanky restaurant in Portland for dinner instead of the usual get together at our house, she turned her head slowly towards me with a look on her face as if I had just told her that we were moving to Antarctica and said "WHAT?!"  I was literally snapped back into reality. The reality of "One chair is empty, the others are filled....one chair is empty, the others are filled....." Breathe, pause and repeat over and over until you believe it, because it is true.

My husband and I ended up at Wal-Hell around 10:30pm on Thanksgiving Eve to shop for essentials (meaning EVERYTHING including a still partially frozen turkey! HA!)  Joining us for Turkey Day were... my parents, Dawson's parents, and a sweet little ex Jehovah witness whose family has shunned him. All I have to say to those people is, "YOU HAVE A SON, A REAL, LIVING, BREATHING, SON. A KIND-HEARTED, SMART, HARD WORKING SON AND YOU THREW HIM AWAY, ARE YOU FUCKING INSANE???" BUT, their loss is my luck, I get to see their"dis-fellow-shipped" son almost everyday and everyday he makes me laugh, and sometimes he's a brat but I laugh at that too. He reminds me of someone else I knew.

So all and all, Thanksgiving was fun, everyone was happy, we made it through and it's done.

And now on to Christmas.......

I knew that the totes filled with Christmas past would most likely not be opened this year. Even trying to briefly look for a wreath hanger in one of them that held nothing more than table cloths and miscellaneous items caused me such dispair that I had to just walk away.

Oddly, I got our tree up earlier than usual. Our tree has always been decorated with everything that the kids have made, were given, or picked out.  Due to the mentally inaccessible boxes of our normal Christmas decor,  I told my husband that he could pick out new lights and a topper for this year's tree.


     This is what we got.....

      We call her 'Merica!

My husband looked totally perplexed at the idea that my daughter and I were almost out of our seats laughing at his purchase. He truly thought it was a site of beauty.  It was a much welcomed comic relief.  Comedy is almost always a relief! Sorry honey, we were laughing at you not with you, BUT, we still love you.

This Christmas will obviously be different, not just for me but for many who will be celebrating the first year without someone that they loved with all their heart. A person who they literally would have done anything for and would give anything to hold right now. We did not expect these people to be gone. But they are and we have to keep trudging on!

So together let's vow not to let "Mr. Grief",
steal all of our Christmases,
not even a wreath! ("winks" at Dr. Seus)

I'm sure even the Grinch would agree.....

Welcome Christmas. Bring in your cheer,
Cheer to all those, far and near.
Christmas Day is in our grasp
So long as we have hands to clasp.
Christmas Day will always be
Just as long as we have we.
Welcome Christmas while we stand
Heart to heart and hand in hand.
  
~ Dr. Seus, "The Grinch that stole Christmas"

                         

~ Merry Christmas Friends and Family! I love you all!~