And just like that ......

July 24, 2019

“As I lay me down to sleep, I’m trying hard not to weep. Because I know when I awake, a big life step my best friend will take”

This is me not sleeping the night before we leave to take my girl across the country and leave her there....

I started blogging two and a half years ago, Incase you don’t know, my other child, my son, died. I wrote to save my sanity, I wrote to heal my soul. I stopped writing around the year anniversary of his death, Partly because I needed to try to stop being so mad and sad but mostly because someone told me it was time.

If you’ve met me before I’ve probably told you that I lost a child, It’s weird because I don’t know why I now feel the need to tell people who don’t know me very well that I lost a kid- I’ve tried to analyze it because it’s almost an uncontrollable impulse at this point- kinda like in the movie Roger Rabbit when Roger is hiding but cannot stand the bad guy knocking “Shave and a haircut” on the walls, Roger holds on as long as he possibly can but finally busts through the wall and belts out “TWOOOOOOOO BIIIIIIIIITS!!”

Sometimes I think it’s because I feel the need to talk about my son and remind the living world that he used to live here too, sometimes I feel like I just gotta get it out there before the new person asks so they won’t feel bad when I answer. I’m still going to work on this but this isn’t about my son, it’s about my daughter.

My daughter was actually the person who told me that it was time to stop grief blogging, my daughter actually has said more emotionally intelligent things to me in the past few years than pretty much anyone I’ve ever met. How strange is it to be the one who should technically be the teacher but in reality be the student?

We are very much alike in many ways but very different in a few, for example, I’m kind of a spaze, like talk to EVERYONE, can’t control it - spaze - say everything- laugh too loud - spaze- “ Super Extra” SPAZE! She’s not.

You know how I said that I tell almost everyone that my son died, well if you meet her and you don’t know that fact about our family, you may never. This isn’t because she didn’t love her brother, this isn’t because she doesn’t think about him everyday or miss him teasing her, hugging the breath out of her, sticking up for her, protecting her, it’s because she isn’t someone who wears her heart on her sleeve for all to see, she keeps it tucked in her pocket until it hurts a little too big and slips out. She keeps her feelings guarded closely, she rarely complains, she doesn’t usually have extreme highs and lows, she’s humble, she’s grounded.

This trait has sometimes been misunderstood as her being stand off-ish or disinterested in pursuing relationships but actually it’s the exact opposite. Her feelings have been hurt so many times in the past because she was too reserved to tell the person hurting her, “Hey you’re hurting me, STOP IT!”, I can’t even count.

She’s getting better at this though, I hope this is one of the things she has learned from me. It took me a long time to learn this lesson but “LOOK OUT” - I’m really pretty skilled at it now! Just ask the people closest to me, Sorry you guys, you know I love you, I just don’t want to deal with BS anymore, it’s for your own personal growth , I promise, I’m basically a psychiatrist at this point, Incase you didn’t know .

But anyway, back to my daughter, my daughter is truly wise beyond her years, one of the nurses who first saw her face on the day she was born whispered, “Oh, this one is an old soul” - and it has turned out to be true.

She has been the security blanket to many and the voice of reason to more and now she’s moving 3405 miles away, The thought of that actually feels like what it looks like you are doing to that plastic torso guy when you are learning CPR - BAM! punch to the chest- Um, ouch!

I know that she is the one that others come to with dilemmas comfortably, not just because I see it but because her people say it. I’m not on this emotional rollercoaster alone.

The other night the brown eyed one who rarely cries said to me with puddling eyes, “Kyli has been my rock, whose going to be here to tell me to stop and think about it?”

The one who likes to fish sat down with me a week ago and told me how sad he was to see her go, “She’s my favorite” he said and put his hands on top of his head.

The love I have seen pour out of her besties leading up to her leaving have been heart touching and also heartbreaking.

And when I say pour, I mean Literally sometimes pour, streams and streams of uncontrollable tears, down the faces of those so dear (hugs the curly haired girl tight )

That was actually part of the reason I felt compelled to write this down tonight, when the usual suspects showed up again, the ones that I’ve watched grow from boys into men, they saw all the boxes and sighed “Shit’s getting real” - that pretty much sums up how we all feel.

I’m going to miss my sweet kid so freakin’ but I’ve never been more proud of anyone in my life.

I love you the most my beautiful, brainy, brave girl.

This is my last blog post, I gave myself a year and now I want to start really focusing on celebrating the living while trying hard to push past the grieving. I know some days will still bring sad moments  but most days I am going to work on being grateful that we had 31 fun, happy and eventful years with this crazy kid!
                                        Happy Birthday Grand Punkmaster, we love you!

Things I learned this year.......


Some of these things I already knew but were reaffirmed as I looked at life with a different perspective this year after the death of my son.



~Even when you think there is nothing anyone can do to surprise you, you are wrong.  Sometimes the surprising things that we as humans do are awful or shocking but much of the time the surprises are humbling and pretty amazing.



~We as a whole are all better people when we stick together, when we stand up for each other, when we show our vulnerability and are open about it.



~If you fuck up, if you have an asshole moment, own it! People will respect you more for it and best of all you will respect yourself.



~Ask for help when you need it and accept the kindness of others when they give it. Admitting that you are sometimes weak is actually one of the most courageous things you can do.



~Try to be your best you everyday and even if your best sucks some days other days you will rock it.



~You don't always have to say yes, but don't always say no.  Regret is by far the worst emotion on my worst emotions list.



~My old saying "Nobody ever ALWAYS or NEVERS" isn't true because I will always miss my son and I will never forget that we lost him to an evil nemesis called depression.



~Life is not fair and no one ever said it was going to be.  Make the most of what you've got, don't ever take it for granted.



~I am blessed with the most badass family and friends that anyone could ask for. Thank you all for your patience and compassion. Thank you for being my feet when I could not stand. I love you all more than flip flops!



~My daughter, though she is only 17, is the strongest, bravest, wisest human that I will ever know.  She lost the only sibling she would ever have, her big brother, her protector, her friend.   Even at times this year when she has been hurt by life and sometimes found herself in situations that have been harsh she has persevered.  Being strong for me, being my voice of reason when I needed her, being my life jacket on days when I thought I would drown.  Not outwardly showing her own pain and in turn sadly sometimes not getting as much of the emotional support that she has needed.  Kyli, you continually amaze me.  Your determination, your motivation and your emotional intelligence are a blessing to me everyday.  We as parents try to teach our kids the ways to navigate through life but sometimes they are the teachers.

I want to truly thank all of you reading this blog for supporting me this year, thank you for listening, thank you for thinking of me, thank you for caring.  Please always try to see the good in others, love each other and never be silent.


With all my heart,

Kellie XOXO

Happy New Year?

I would love to say that I am looking forward to 2018. Maybe if my son were here to turn 32 on February 10th 2018 or maybe if February 28th 2018 was not the year anniversary of the day I found him unresponsive, cold, gone. Maybe then I might be thinking of great things that could happen this year instead of wishing that I could rewind time. Thinking of what February will be like this year for me is terrifying.

If wishes came true and I could jump back to February 10th 1986, the first day I saw his wrinkly little face, the first time I looked into his beautiful blues eyes, the first time I realized what true love was, would things have been different? Would this year be a Happy New Year?

If wishes came true and I could jump back to February 28th 2017 minutes before he decided that he could not take his pain anymore and I got to his house in time, would things have been different? Would this be a Happy New Year?

When thinking about making wishes and all of the crazy things we as humans wish on I made a list of every one I could remember.....

Fallen eyelashes, shooting stars, 1st stars, wishbones, wishing wells, fountains, birthday candles, old dandelions, and the newest addition 11:11.  I have tried all of these, none have worked so far. I will keep trying, but my wish is a pretty tough one to grant. OOOOh, GRANT!! I forgot about "granting" wishes, I forgot about a Genie! Where's Alladin when you need him?!

FUCK! Thinking of Aladdin made me think about that big fat blue Disney Genie, which in turn made me think of the actor that gave him a voice, and of course that voice was non other than the voice of Robin Williams who tragically committed suicide in 2014 after suffering for years with...Dun Dun Dunnnn.....DEPRESSION!  And that brought me back to why I started writing this in the first place. UGH, FUCK DEPRESSION! This is the worst time of year for most of those who suffer with it.  Take a minute to check in with your friends and loved ones that might need a simple "Hello, how are you" Sounds like a menial thing to do but this actually could save a life.

Tonight being New Years Eve wishes are usually traded in for resolutions, they really don't seem extremely different from each other. A Wish is defined as"A desire or hope for something to or not to happen." A Resolution is defined as "A firm decision to do or not to do something."

A resolution is a wish that you make come true!

Fun Fact about New Years Resolutions, 22% fail after one week, 40% after one month, 50% after three months, 60% after six months, and 81% after twelve months.  The odds are stacked against us my friends! But as I have said before all we can do is try and if we fail we try again.  My resolution this year will be that I  take a minute everyday in 2018 to close my eyes, take a breath and think of a happy moment I spent with my son and everyday that I do this I will try to preform a "good" deed for another person in his honor.  I am more than 81% sure that I can keep this resolution!

So think about those resolutions folks and make 'em good, make 'em firm! Prove those statistics wrong, don't give up on your wishes, don't give up on human kindness and most important never ever give up on yourself!  XOXO

The Grief that stole Christmas

"You're a mean one, Mr. Grief,
You're a monster, a horror, a troll.
Your brain is full of spiders, you have garlic in your soul, MR. Grieeeeeee...EEF, YOU SUCK!"
                                                           
Here's to the holidays....this one should come with a warning... "WARNING"... I'M SUPER SAD AND SUPER PISSED, BUT I DON'T WANT TO UPSET ANY OF YOU SO PLEASE READ WITH CAUTION"


~"Hey, Thanksgiving, "How you doin?" (Joey quote, "FRIENDS" forever!)

~"Well, I'm doing my very best to remind you that your first born kid isn't here this year, because, he's dead." 

That about sums up Thanksgiving 2017.~


WOW! Okay, so I wrote all the above a week before Thanksgiving. Thanksgiving was my sons ultimate favorite holiday. I so badly wanted to skip it, so, so, sooooooooooo badly. But when I sat on the couch with my daughter one night and suggested that we go to some swanky restaurant in Portland for dinner instead of the usual get together at our house, she turned her head slowly towards me with a look on her face as if I had just told her that we were moving to Antarctica and said "WHAT?!"  I was literally snapped back into reality. The reality of "One chair is empty, the others are filled....one chair is empty, the others are filled....." Breathe, pause and repeat over and over until you believe it, because it is true.

My husband and I ended up at Wal-Hell around 10:30pm on Thanksgiving Eve to shop for essentials (meaning EVERYTHING including a still partially frozen turkey! HA!)  Joining us for Turkey Day were... my parents, Dawson's parents, and a sweet little ex Jehovah witness whose family has shunned him. All I have to say to those people is, "YOU HAVE A SON, A REAL, LIVING, BREATHING, SON. A KIND-HEARTED, SMART, HARD WORKING SON AND YOU THREW HIM AWAY, ARE YOU FUCKING INSANE???" BUT, their loss is my luck, I get to see their"dis-fellow-shipped" son almost everyday and everyday he makes me laugh, and sometimes he's a brat but I laugh at that too. He reminds me of someone else I knew.

So all and all, Thanksgiving was fun, everyone was happy, we made it through and it's done.

And now on to Christmas.......

I knew that the totes filled with Christmas past would most likely not be opened this year. Even trying to briefly look for a wreath hanger in one of them that held nothing more than table cloths and miscellaneous items caused me such dispair that I had to just walk away.

Oddly, I got our tree up earlier than usual. Our tree has always been decorated with everything that the kids have made, were given, or picked out.  Due to the mentally inaccessible boxes of our normal Christmas decor,  I told my husband that he could pick out new lights and a topper for this year's tree.


     This is what we got.....

      We call her 'Merica!

My husband looked totally perplexed at the idea that my daughter and I were almost out of our seats laughing at his purchase. He truly thought it was a site of beauty.  It was a much welcomed comic relief.  Comedy is almost always a relief! Sorry honey, we were laughing at you not with you, BUT, we still love you.

This Christmas will obviously be different, not just for me but for many who will be celebrating the first year without someone that they loved with all their heart. A person who they literally would have done anything for and would give anything to hold right now. We did not expect these people to be gone. But they are and we have to keep trudging on!

So together let's vow not to let "Mr. Grief",
steal all of our Christmases,
not even a wreath! ("winks" at Dr. Seus)

I'm sure even the Grinch would agree.....

Welcome Christmas. Bring in your cheer,
Cheer to all those, far and near.
Christmas Day is in our grasp
So long as we have hands to clasp.
Christmas Day will always be
Just as long as we have we.
Welcome Christmas while we stand
Heart to heart and hand in hand.
  
~ Dr. Seus, "The Grinch that stole Christmas"

                         

~ Merry Christmas Friends and Family! I love you all!~ 

“Good Grief Charlie Brown” is obviously an oxymoron

It has come to my attention that no grief is “good” grief! 8 months of this crap is 8 months too long.

Some days my grief is like a mosquito, I have to swat it here and there to keep it at bay. But, once in a while it is literally a mother fucking vampire that completely drains me of every ounce of strength I have. That was yesterday.

Yesterday was my birthday, I didn't think much about it, I wasn't worried about my wrinkles or gray hair, to be honest I don't really care that I am almost a half century old, but I woke up yesterday morning and was greeted by a big grief punch in the face.

Since my son died in February I have joined a club that no one wants to be part of. Let's call it the grief club and the grief club sucks.

Halloween has forever been my favorite holiday. I freakin' love pumpkins, candy, costumes, black cats (please husband can I have another?) but this year Halloween feels like it needs to be skipped, and Thanksgiving and Christmas and fuck you Happy New Year please just let us fast forward to probably like April because I can't even imagine what my mental state of mind will be in February. It will probably take all 31 days of March to recover from that forever fucked month!

In the past 8 months I have seen others suffer from loss, loss of a child, loss of a parent, loss of a sibling, loss of a spouse..... so much loss, so much sadness, so much regret (that stupid human emotion regret, ugh, I hate you regret!)

In some instances the saying “Misery loves company” is true but in these cases I do not love seeing others in misery. I do not wish anyone to feel the way I feel. It is not fair nor just or warranted.

But I can say that social media, which in some cases seems to be the downfall to human communication actually made yesterday better. Almost 200 people took a minute to say “Hey Kel, we know something totally horrible happened to you, we care about you and want you to be okay” Um, hello social media, thank you! And thank you to all of you, you are all important, you are all relevant, you are all part of the light that shines in times of darkness. Keep being kind, keep being constant, keep being available. You never know when you will need a hand but when you do, I will have a hand for you.

Mental Illness is a Terminal Disease

The picture above is of three of my most favorite people, 2 are gone. My gram died at 93 of natural causes. My son died at 31 and there was nothing natural about it.

I gave my sons phone away this week to someone who really needed it. It seems like an easy enough thing to do but I cried for hours after. I saved the last text message I had from him which said "I love you too", that was 5 days before he put a gun to his head and pulled the trigger. That was 5 months ago. 

I still wonder what would have happened if I had gotten to his house 5 hours earlier than I did, what if I would have begged him to please hold on just one more day. No matter what I did or said for many years I could not take his pain away. Believe me, I tried. Do I find comfort in knowing that he is free of pain, yes. Would I rather have him still in pain but here with me instead, yes. Do I feel that is selfish of me, yes. Many suicidal people believe that the world would be a better place without them. Is it? No! Mental illness is a terminal disease and it should be treated that way.

Suicide is among the 10 leading causes of death in the United States, approximately 44,000 a year. There were 23,000 documented suicides by May 1st this year in our country (I suck at math but it's easy to see that we were already over half way to the average for the year and we weren't even half way through the year yet). Suicide is on the leading causes of death list with cancer and heart disease. The most common cause of suicide is depression. Depression is a cancer for those who have it, it eats them from within. Depression is a heart disease for those that suffer from it because many of them have a broken heart. We live in Maine, a state with a higher than national average of suicides, the stats say that someone dies by suicide in our country every 16 minutes. Someone dies in Maine by suicide every 37 hours. But the average wait to get someone into counseling or some type of crisis program is 3 weeks. That is too fucking long people! When someone is desperate enough to swallow a bottle of pills, throw a rope around a beam, or slice their wrists open with a paring knife they probably have less than 3 minutes to wait NOT 3 weeks! Before you get done reading this it is likely we lost another beautiful soul to suicide.

Mental health issues are often misunderstood. Society tells these people that they need to "suck it up", "get motivated", "just be happy". They can't. My child starting showing signs of depression when he was in his teens. He started drinking to self medicate. The onset of depression and the issues that came along with it led to behaviors that were uncharacteristic of him. His depression led him to at times be a real asshole to those close to him and push them away. He lost friends. He lost jobs. He lost his license. He just kept losing and losing and losing.   He would have periods when he was doing well, sometimes long stretches, but than his illness would take over and down the rabbit hole he went.

We spent hours at counselors, nights in the emergency room, sometimes we would just sit together and wait for the darkness to fade and he would cry. Once when he was 18 and having an "episode", I was desperate, I called 911. Two state troopers came to our home. What I wanted from them was help getting him someplace that he could get "better". What I got was a big dose of reality. They told me "He is 18 and unless he is actively threatening to hurt himself or others than there is nothing we can do". At that point he was pissed at me for calling the police, he slung a backpack over his shoulder and left. He couch surfed for the next 6 months. I layed awake every night worrying and wondering where he was.

I still lay awake at night sometimes even now but not because I am worried about him or wonder where he. I know where he is. He is sitting on my mantle in a marble box. Obviously I know that the box simply holds his body's ashes. I know that his light and energy are everywhere. What I don't know is how do we prevent this from happening to others in the future. To your child, to your brother, to your friend.

Many would answer "medication". Well guys and girls, several of the current medications that are prescribed for people suffering from depression list side effects like insomnia, fatigue, agitation, irritability, anxiety, and here's the kicker......SUICIDAL TENDENCIES. WAIT! WHAAAAT??!! Okay, so medical professionals are giving patients who have depression medications that can induce many of the issues that they are already suffering from and could possibly be the pre-cursor to suicide. Again, WHAAAAT??!!  I also mentioned "self-medicating" earlier, I truly feel that many deaths by "accidental overdose" should be actually classified as death by mental illness. Most people that end up addicted to substances started using those things to numb themselves from pain. Physical and mental.  

I don't know if I am hyper sensitive to the word suicide now but it seems like I hear of a new one every day.   I do know that depression does not discriminate. Rich, poor, old, young, man, woman, famous, unknown, it doesn't matter. Depression doesn't care, it will take you any way you are and break you into a million pieces leaving those who love you scampering around to find those pieces and constantly super glue them back together again. 

So this is my plea, if you or someone you know (In my head I am saying this in Morgan Freeman's voice) are suffering from depression SHOUT IT OUT! Depression and mental illness are REAL and can result in death. Mental health issues are not something to be swept under the rug or whispered about in the corner. Do I know the miracle cure for depression? No. But I do know that for many being active helps, eating healthy, sleeping regularly, being involved with community and family are all helps.  I think one of the best things we can do for ourselves or our loved ones who suffer with mental illness is to get rid of the stigmas that surround it.  There should be no feelings of embarrassment or shame, if you had cancer or another terminal illness would you be embarrassed?? Hell no! You would fight to stay alive. As a matter of fact there would probably be a Go Fund Me account being set up for you as I type! If your family members, loved ones or friends show signs of depression do not ignore it, do not think that it will go away on its own, do not think that because someone who has suffered with depression and is suddenly "happy" that they are "cured". My son seemed happier in the last months leading up to his death than he had been in the past few years.  Looking back now, we thought things were getting better and THAT was the BIGGEST misconception of all.  He was happy because he had made peace with his decision and had a plan. He was suffering in silence like many people who have mental health issues do. Do not be silent. Silence kills.  

Happy Mother's Day Love The BRM

Within days of my sons passing I literally sat up in bed in the middle of the night with a feeling of terror.... HOLIDAYS! I gently poked my husband and whispered "What about holidays" His groggy reply was; "Kel, we will do whatever you want to do" and I found that comforting enough to catch my breath and try to sleep.  You do not understand the need to feel "in control" until everything seems out of yours.

Holidays, whether they entail a barbecue and sparklers or a tree and gifts are something that will always be different now. The first holiday came too soon after my son was gone. Easter. At that point in this journey my thought towards fuzzy bunnies, cute little chicks, painted eggs and ham was~ "Fuck you fuzzy bunnies, cute little chicks, painted eggs and ham. FUCK YOU!"  My son loved Easter candy, even those chemically produced yucky marshmallow pillows of gunk called Peeps, those fake yolk sticky sweet chocolate Cadbury eggs, those brightly colored sugar beans passed off as "bunny poop".  He loved ham too and I hated Easter this year.

Then came Mother's Day. I started fretting about Mothers Day weeks before it even happened. How odd it is to dread a day that literally celebrates life. Without Mother's the human race would become extinct. I have a mother, a mother in law and a step mother in law. I am a mother and have a beautiful child still here with me. But thoughts of the child that is not here far over shadowed everything else.

As the day grew closer I grew more anxious, should we just skip it and go on like it is just another day? Is that fair to our mothers? Is that fair to my daughter? You all know that if you want to go out to dinner on Mother's Day all restaurants are booked weeks in advance. I still wasn't even thinking hours in advance at that time so needless to say booking 5 star dinner reservations didn't happen. But a few things did happen that made Mothers Day something other than a day of dread.

A couple days before that Sunday, one of my sons closest friends came into my house; shaky, teary and with something to show me.  While walking in one her favorite spots she came across some graffiti. She herself had painted a flower and peace sign in this spot years ago but what was there now gave me a priceless gift.  A huge Happy Mothers Day tagged by my son.   I was speechless, overwhelmed, in awe.  This discovery made me realize that people who have passed on are never truly gone, there are signs everywhere. Sometimes literal signs!

Then came Sunday, I had found a tiny country place that would take reservations for all of us that afternoon but I still hadn't purchased a gift nor even a card for "the mothers". Not a big surprise as some days I was actually proud of myself for just brushing my teeth let alone leaving the house. Sad, but true.

So off to the store I went, (brushed teeth and all).  I quickly found thoughtful gifts and as I pulled out of the parking lot I saw an older gentleman. He was obviously homeless, it was raining, cold and he outwardly looked the way I felt on the inside. Deflated. I drove down the road and was almost on the highway when I turned back.  His name was Paulie.

I picked Paulie up and took him to the grocery store, in the few minutes that we were together he told me a lot about himself and asked me many questions. The most important to him seemed to be "Why did you pick me up"? I explained, "Well you looked cold and sad and it's Mothers Day and my son recently died so I am feeling a little cold and sad too".  We both cried.  After he made his purchases in the store and a quick drive thru for coffee, I dropped him off.  As I drove away I thought about him being someone's son. I hoped that my son felt compassion from strangers at times during his short life and maybe my small act of kindness gave Paulie comfort if only for a day.

At 3 o'clock we all headed to our special Mother's Day buffet which turned out to be an odd assortment of foods that did not seem to compliment each other, dirty utensils and a 30 minute wait for drinks. Everyone found this pretty humorous which was great because as it turns out laughter really IS the best medicine!

As the day came to a close my daughter posted my last Mother's Day miracle.....

"From petting cheetahs and traveling the world together to the more simple things like late night movies and lunch dates, I know I have a forever best friend in you. Happy Mother's Day to the most strong and beautiful woman I will ever know"💜💜💜




This post changed my perspective of the year's pending holidays from feeling the pain of the ominous empty chair at our table to realizing that the other chairs will still be filled with love.